Daft fic ^_^

[rosie_rues]

Title: Adrift!
Rating: PG for attempted cannibalism
Summary: Well, it all began with summersalts wondering why there weren't enough Marauders on a school trip fics, and then my crack!muse got a little out of hand... *sighs* Okay. No excuses. I was just feeling silly. MWPP on a raft in the middle of the bright, blue sea....
Disclaimer: *sigh* Not mine. Not even if I ask nicely.



"It's no good," Sirius said dolefully. "We'll have to eat Wormtail."

James looked up from where he was trying to fix the rainwater collector they had made out of Sirius' robes (Remus' were too holey, his own too imbued with Muggle aftershave, and, as Peter had pointed out vehemently, Sirius didn't burn and had no nudity taboos)

"What?" Peter squeaked. "Fuck off!"

"Can't," said Sirius. "Too much sea."

He had a point. As far as the eye could see the blue ocean stretched out around them. They'd been out here for days (well, hours at least) and there was not a sail in sight.

"And whose fault is that?" Remus asked shortly from where he was hanging over the edge of the raft. Who would have thought werewolves got seasick?

"Not mine," James said hurriedly. Sirius had thought of the portkey, and Peter had made it. He might have been the first one to declare that Blackpool was boring but none of this was his fault. Not this time.

"I'm hungry!" Sirius moaned, and poked Peter's arm. "Look - plump and tender and juicy."

"Fat!" yelped Peter. "Come on, Padfoot, you sulk if the house elves don't trim the fat off your bacon in the morning. You'd hate to eat me."

Sirius frowned, chewing his lip. "Hmm."

"Eat Prongs," Peter suggested.

"Hey!" Some friends they were.

"Can't," Sirius said. "Would be wrong."

"But it's fine to eat me?"

"Yup." His eyes were glazing over. "Steak. Pretty, juicy rat steak."

Peter's eyes narrowed and his nose twitched. He purred, "Venison."

They both looked at James. Sirius tilted his head thoughtfully.

"Moony! Sit up and be the voice of reason! They want to eat me!"

"I'm busy," Remus said primly.

Sirius, distracted, turned round to crouch beside him, curling his hand around Remus' shoulder. "Are you still puking?"

"No."

"I told you should have stayed in the hospital wing," Peter said, crawling over to join them.

The raft dipped alarmingly.

"Wormtail!" James roared. "Here!"

Peter shuffled back to his side of the raft.

The problem was, James decided, bracing himself and waiting for the raft to steady, that none of them actually liked Muggle Studies. He was taking it because he had thought Lily might be impressed (Lily! O fair Lily! If they eat me will she weep on my grave? Will I even have a grave if these bastards eat me?)

"Y'know," Peter said. "We should have rum."

Sirius was taking the subject to piss his parents off. Remus might need to actually live like a muggle one day. Peter just didn't want to be left out.

Which should have meant that no professor in their right mind would have organised a field trip. Particularly not one to somewhere with a coastline, paddle boats to transfigure and shops that sold pirate flags.

"Can't drink on an empty stomach," Sirius said. "Moony, why are you growling at those fish?"

"What fish?" Peter asked, leaning over the other side.

"The big grey ones with fins."

"Not fish," said Remus. "Sharks."

Peter squeaked.

"Grr," Remus said again, glaring down into the water.

James looked at Sirius. Sirius looked back. James made a I'm not going to ask - why don't you? face. Sirius shrugged.

"I think they're still making their minds up whether they're scared of werewolves," Remus added thoughtfully.

James looked at Remus. As resident werewolves went theirs was, well, a bit pale and scrawny. He knew that Moony was a match for anything up to a small Norwegian Ridgeback, but you wouldn't know it to look at him.

"Rawr."

"Can I help?" Sirius asked.

"No."

"Spoilsport."

Peter was frowning and twiddling a fold of his robes in that way which meant he'd just seen the detention-inducing flaw in an otherwise perfect prank. "Um, Moony?"

"Yes?"

"Wasn't the full moon yesterday?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Well spotted, old boy."

"Well, doesn't that mean that you won't be big enough to take on a shark for another-"

"Shush," Remus said. "They might hear you."

Everyone edged closer to the middle of the raft. James looked wistfully at the clear blue sky. Not even an albatross. Lily would cry, he was sure, and then he could return from the dead to comfort her. Though he'd probably be all maggoty by then, so maybe she wouldn't be too comforted.

"I'm hungry!" Peter wailed.

"Shut up, Wormtail!" James and Sirius said in the same moment. Peter snickered.

James could feel his nose beginning to peel. He said as much.

"Roast venison," said Peter dreamily.

"Mmm," Sirius added, licking his lips.

"I still don't see why we have to eat somebody," Remus put in. "Woof."

"You can't say woof!" Sirius protested.

"I just did. Aroooo."

James rubbed his scorched forehead. Why did these things always have to happen to him?

"We have to eat someone," Sirius explained, "because that's the way it works. The heroes never get rescued before they eat one of their crewmates."

There was a thoughtful silence.

"Ribbit."

"Since when were sharks scared of frogs?" James demanded. "And why me? Why not Padfoot? Why not Moony, seeing as his shark-scaring techniques seem to be getting crappier by the second."

Sirius slid down to lie next to Remus. "Because I'm the hero, you prat. The hero never gets eaten."

"And Moony probably tastes funny," Peter said with a sigh.

Sirius sat up indignantly, rocking the raft, and declared, "I can assure you that he does not taste funny!"

There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Then Peter said, a little too brightly, "D'you think we could roast a shark?"

Comments

[mizzmarvel.livejournal.com]

And then Lily comes in with a motorboat to save the day, I wager.

This made me laugh and laugh and laugh - internally, sadly (I'm at work). I especially enjoyed how you couldn't help but throw a little innuendo in, there at the end. ;)

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

The nice thing about crack!fic is you don't have to work out how the day is saved. I'm sure either Lily or McGonagall will rescue them eventually though.

What's a Marauders fic without inuenndo? ^_^

Glad it entertained you.

[aella_irene]

This is bearing a strong resemblance to the time our history teachers packed us on a ferry to Belgium...

Lovely story, very funny

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

O_o What, even the sharks? ^_^

Thanks for commenting :)

[aella_irene]

Sadly, the English Channel is not populated by sharks. There were vampire bats later on though...

[dolabellae.livejournal.com]

Have you done a James POV before? Really nice.... And of course, it made me laugh muchly. Is this the sort of thing your brain cooks up when the sun shines as it has this week? If so, bring on summer!

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

Some of my scarvesnhats and blanketforts chapters were James POV. I love him, but it often makes more sense for the story to be someone else.

I suddenly got one of the things I've been stressed about sorted, and daftness resulted. The sun helps, too.

Thanks for commenting :)

[dolabellae.livejournal.com]

I must have read those chapters... Maybe it's because (in the best possible way) not much was happening, so I had the chance to notice the focaliser. I do like your James.

Am glad to hear about the sorted-outness of stressful thing.

[missmary.livejournal.com]

Haha, that was hilarious. I loved Remus' intimidation techniques.

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[ex-stateline124.livejournal.com]

oh dear god. remus is going to scare the sharks away by ribbiting.

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

It's all about willpower. Um.

:)

[ex-stateline124.livejournal.com]

well, certainly, but his growling was rather subdued. in fact, remus seemed a little stoned.

[nebt-het.livejournal.com]

"Because I'm the hero, you prat.

That was priceless and so Sirius like. *g*

But why is the rum gone?!

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

I don't know what happened to the rum. Maybe Lily confiscated it :)

The Marauders just demand pirate fic. There should be more.

Thanks for commenting :)

[expositionary.livejournal.com]

YES, thank you for this. I've been reading depressing fic, low on sleep, all evening, and this was good for me. :) And just plain good (especially that second-last line...).

Clever and funny. Somehow you always do everything right.

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I'm glad my silliness cheered you up.

Thanks for the comment :)

[shaychana.livejournal.com]

*snickersnort*

Sirius sat up indignantly, rocking the raft, and declared, "I can assure you that he does not taste funny!"
innuendoes kill me. everytime.

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

I can't resist chucking an innuendo in. That and the venison were starting point for this.

Thanks for the comment :)

[jynnxx.livejournal.com]

Remus growling at the sharks is priceless "I think they're still making their minds up whether they're scared of werewolves," Remus added thoughtfully.

as is Remus' belief that he is scary, hehe, He knew that Moony was a match for anything up to a small Norwegian Ridgeback, but you wouldn't know it to look at him.

The relationship between all four of them is fantastic, Sirius sticking up for Remus and wanting to help with the scareing. James' dubious and long-sufferring observations, Peter's desperation to avoid getting eaten and change the subject and the last comment about Moony tasting funny, loved it hehe :)

[jynnxx.livejournal.com]

erm... also I friended you, hopes you don't mind :/

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

Of course I don't mind :)

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) I love writing these four - they've got such a great group dynamic.

Thanks for the comment :)

[summersalts.livejournal.com]

Hee, that was very funny! What silly boys they are. I especially liked James's melodramatic "O fair Lily!"

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

*grins* Well, it was your list that started the original plotbunny. Thank you :)

I love these four.

Thanks for the comment :)

[dolimir-k.livejournal.com]

This was hysterical!

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[nellie-darlin.livejournal.com]

Good crack, as only you can write it.

*loves*

[rosemaryandrue.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) These four just lend themselves to silliness.

[merely-a-facade.livejournal.com]

Teehee. This was adorable. n__n Especially love your Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter.

_{And I totally predicted the line when I saw the summary. =D}

[shinzuku.livejournal.com]

Omg, so what's with the random shark scaring noises? Is he slowly going insane or something.

"I can assure you that he does not taste funny!"

That is so wrong.

[immovinout.livejournal.com]

Brill, truely.