I like this a lot! There are lots of lovely little touches like Sirius reminding himself to let go of Remus, and your James is perfect - I love the part about the valentine and his reaction to being reminded of it! It's so right that he'd be standing right behind Remus and Sirius at the climax, too, even if his advice (hex Professor Kettleburn) isn't too constructive :).
A bit of concrit for you if you're interested: your feel for dialogue is great - it read completely naturally to me - but you might want to try varying the ways in which you attribute it. There's one section where you have "...James said urgently" and "James said piteously" very close together, and as far as I can tell it's always "x said" rather than "said x", which can sound a little monotonous in a piece with so much dialogue. If you mix things up a bit (sometimes x said, sometimes said x, occasionally (and only occasionally!) using an adverb) you might find the rhythm picks up a little. Er, I'm not sure if I've explained that very well! But please believe me when I say that I'm only saying this because I like the piece and the way its written very much :).
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Date: 2005-10-05 09:57 am (UTC)A bit of concrit for you if you're interested: your feel for dialogue is great - it read completely naturally to me - but you might want to try varying the ways in which you attribute it. There's one section where you have "...James said urgently" and "James said piteously" very close together, and as far as I can tell it's always "x said" rather than "said x", which can sound a little monotonous in a piece with so much dialogue. If you mix things up a bit (sometimes x said, sometimes said x, occasionally (and only occasionally!) using an adverb) you might find the rhythm picks up a little. Er, I'm not sure if I've explained that very well! But please believe me when I say that I'm only saying this because I like the piece and the way its written very much :).